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Howard Lynch
Answered Mar 16 · Upvoted by James Lovette-Black, B.A. Medicine and Healthcare & Education, Ottawa University (1989)
Last night was pretty rough.
My wife and I were sleeping when I woke up to a noise in our living room. I put on my glasses and told my wife to wait there. I slowly opened my bedroom door a crack and immediately heard whispering.
Whispered voice 1: “Where is it?”
Whispered voice 2: “How would I know? You think I’ve been here before?”
I grabbed my bat and told my wife to lock herself in the bathroom and call 911. I slowly opened the door. I could see the outlines of two figures in my living room. Since I had the drop on them, I decided I would take a swing at the closest and take him out first. In the ensuing chaos I could easily get to the second before he knew what was going on. I was just a few steps away…
Then the light turned on. Quickly I found two guns pointed at my face.
Intruder 1: “Drop the bat.”
I did so.
Intruder 2: “Hands up.”
Again, I complied.
Me: “Look, I don’t want anyone to get hurt. Just take what you want and go.”
Intruder 1: “That’s the plan, as long as you play ball.”
Me: “Look, my car keys are right over there. Just take it. We don’t have any cash. My wife only has cheap jewelry.”
Intruder 2: “We don’t want any of that.”
Me: “Then what do you want?”
Intruder 1: “Where’s your bathroom?”
Me: “…..What?”
Intruder 1: (more intensely) “Where is your bathroom?”
Me: “Uh, right down that hall. Why?”
Intruder 1: “I need to use it.” He started towards the hallway.
Me: “Wait!…….Number one or number two?” The intruder pointing his gun at me looked nervously at his partner who had stopped in front of the hallway. A grim look came over his face.
Intruder 1: “……..Number 2.”
Everyone turned to see my wife standing there, hands covering her mouth, a frightened look on her face. I ran over and put my arms around her.
Me: “Please! Be reasonable! We only have 18 rolls of toilet paper left for the two of us! We went to buy more yesterday but there’s none left!”
Intruder 2: “Why do you think we’re here.” My wife quietly started sobbing.
Me: “Here!” I grabbed my debit card from our dining room table. “Here’s my debit card! Take it! I’ll tell you the PIN number and you can clean me out!”
Intruder 2: “We don’t want your money!”
Me: “What do you…”
Intruder 1: “I just want to wipe my ass, okay!!! It’s insane out there! I’ve been to 8 grocery stores, 9 drug stores, and 5 gas stations! I even went to my mom’s house to see if she had any to spare! She wouldn’t even open the door for me!! My own mother left my ass to fend for itself!!! Literally!!!”
Me: “Look, I’m sorry. Tell you what…..you can each take one roll…”
My wife: “NO!” I turned her to face me.
Me: “Look at me!…Look at me!!…….It’s gonna be okay! We’re gonna be okay.”
Intruder 2: “Are you crazy? We aren’t going out there with toilet paper! We’ll get robbed faster than you can say ‘two-ply’!”
Intruder 1: “I’m sorry. We have no choice. We’ll use your bathroom and be on our way.” With that he went inside and closed the door. A look of despair came over my face.
Me: “Both of you?”
At the time of this writing, we’re down to 17 and 1/2 rolls of toilet paper.
Helen Keller said, “The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes us patient, sensitive, and Godlike. It teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”
I believe we will overcome this.
I will pray for all of your bums.
This answer was collapsed. I’m guessing because it was reported as a joke. I certainly don’t mean to offend anybody, but I do believe in stressful times like this it is important to remember to find the humor and laugh, even at the expense of ourselves.
In an effort to give an honest answer, we are fine. The lack of toilet paper is true, but it certainly isn’t anything to panic about. The state has taken measures to prevent the spread, such as closing all schools for a couple weeks, and my employer has taken steps to allow us to work from home.
We will overcome this.
And that is no joke.

闖入者1:“……2號?!?br /> “不不不不行?。。。。。?!”

我:“看著我!……看著我??!……不會有事的!我們會沒事的?!?br /> 闖入者2:“你瘋了嗎?我們才不會拿著衛生紙出去!我們被搶的速度比你說的“兩層”還快!”

海倫·凱勒說:“人生的奮斗是我們最大的幸福之一。它使我們有耐心,敏感,和神一樣。它告訴我們,雖然世界充滿苦難,但也充滿戰勝苦難的力量?!?br /> 我相信我們會克服的。

Howard Lynch
Original Author · Mar 16 · 54 upvotes including Farimah Fiddy
I actually feel bad that I apparently had a few people worried at first.